Smart Ass of the Year Answers

Subject: Smart-Ass Answers of The Year


SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during aflight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant wasstationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashedher. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need tosee your ticket, not your stub.'SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'




SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his carand the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and uttersexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, theteacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk,
'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this?Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' He never heard the shot....

Please go away

I am sick of Britney and her family. Obviously her parents did not raise her to be a decent human being. I am so sick of hearing about her, I heard this morning the media makes $120 million from her being stupid and obnoxious.
Paula Adbul, someone push her down the stairs, YOu are over 40, put it away no one wants to see it anymore, she looked like a slut last night, she claims she has a bad back, would you wear 4" heels?
Justin Timberlake, you AIN'T sexy, never was, never will be, you are nothing but a little skinny scruff, lay down so I can wipe the mud off my shoes on you.
Brad Pitt, see Justin Timberlake.
Georg Clooney, I dont get it either.
Oprah, how arrogant and racist can she get before her 15 minutes of fame are over. I dont know who you think you are but you are not all that.
Election commercials, go away, I am so sick of these, my candidate Fred Thompson is gone, so no one worth voting for.
Ellen, you ain't funny and I dont like to see her straddle a table and dance over it, i just gave myself the heebie jeebies.
Rosie O'donnell and donald trump. As Larry the Cable Guy calls her Rosie o fat ass. they both need to go.

Now Justin if you want to see sexy, look at sean connery in a tux, tom selleck in a tux, sam elliot-just listen to that voice. Margaret Thatcher-that is a classy broad.

So those in my go away list please do us all a favor and go away.

Knitting Poetry

Look what was in my Knitting Daily email today, how fun is this, so what kind of silly sentences can you make?

Yummy sock yarn plays with my mind.

Shiny mittens hook me.

Felt me instead of bite me.

Hook me up to luscious yummy soft yarn.

Well you get the idea, you could spend your precious time making silly sentences of knitting but how fun is this?

Home Remedies

This is from debs boring life blog, she won in ravelry for the funniest person.


AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Tattoos

I was reading the paper at lunch and on the back of the FYI section is an article on tattoos, not just any tattoos, but tattoos for your toilet. That is right the thing you put your butt on. I always wanted a tattoo but I am still leary about them and the pain and there is a certain stigma that still goes with them, I put a fake on once in a while just because but a tattoo for my toilet and they are $10@. I have 4 toilets. Do you know how much sock yarn I can get for $40, quite a bit depending on what I buy. Why on earth would I want to really have a monetary weird relationship with my toilet? Check out toilet-tattoos.com. I did however see a Halloween cover for one though, hmmmmm, wonder if I put it on my Christmas list if mom would buy me one? I bet my brother would because he is weird. Maybe I should buy him one, hhhhmmmmm..

Pencils

I love to collect pencils for all the holidays, in fact I use them all the time to write out patterns, do work, etc. I always have a ton of pencils at home and at work. In one of my beading daily newsletters they had a sculpture made of pencils. Anyway click on the link and be prepared to be amazed. Her work is beautiful and can you imagine sharpening all those pencils to that sharp point, wonder how many break off before and during beading. Some people have such vision and talent, tain't in my genes though.

http://reubenmiller.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/01/jennifer-maestr.html?cid=97761910

Treasure Every Moment

Treasure Every Moment

We tell ourselves a lot.
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage, we reason. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to ourselves and decide to be happy anyway.
So treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special. And remember that time waits for no one. So, stop waiting:
- until your car or home is paid off - until you get a new car or home - until your kids leave the house - until you go back to school - until you finish school - until you lose 10 pounds - until you gain 10 pounds - until you get married - until you have kids - until you retire - until summer - until spring - until winter- until fall - until you die There is no better time than right now to be happy. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching.

Bulk Mail

Did you ever read your bulk mail, this is the first 25 in my list. Where do these emails really come from? And the first one is dated in 2038, that is 30 years in the future. Do they think people really sit and read these things. I do know i dont need a pc, 6 more inches, more hair, someone has a crush on me, i can get extended warranties on everything i own, it goes on and on and on.

I know sometimes i have real mail in bulk but you would think the government with their nose in everything else would find a way to not allow bulk mail.


a
Pending Shipment: Mac Book Pro
Mon Jan 18, 2038
1k
Printerlnk
C H E A P I N K & T O N E R
Mon Jan 18, 2038
3k
MyFunCards
Re: Send an eCard to a friend right now
Sat Jan 24, 2037
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AutoWarranty
Get the extended vehicle warranty protection you need today
Sat Jan 24, 2037
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LoanReliefConsultants
Legally Erase Your DebtScore And Improve your financial health today
Sat Jan 24, 2037
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Claims Dept.
Address Not Of File
Fri Jan 23, 2037
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HomelandSecurity
Re: Secure your home today
Fri Jan 23, 2037
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Target Center
Target Holiday Card
Fri Jan 23, 2037
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Jane Thomas
Re: review your report
Fri Jan 23, 2037
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Gale Flowers
Re: V-day rewards romance package
Fri Jan 23, 2037
2k

Valentines Day at Victoria's Secret
Thu Dec 13, 2029
2k
Handy Switch
The wireless light switch
Wed Feb 06, 2008
3k
HairGrowth
Restore your hair with Bosley
Wed Feb 06, 2008
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Ideal Mate
View Pics of Local Singles
Wed Feb 06, 2008
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Rebate Processor Position
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Sat Jan 26, 2008
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Fri Jan 25, 2008
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Fri Jan 25, 2008
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Get paid to fill out forms from home ($300/day or more)
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Extend Your Warranty
Warning: Don't Let Your Auto Warranty Expire!
Fri Jan 25, 2008
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See The World, and get paid for it!
Thu Jan 24, 2008
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3-in-1 Credit Report
Get your FREE 3-in-1 Credit Report today!
Thu Jan 24, 2008
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Local Singles
Naughty or Nice? Browse Singles in Your Area!
Thu Jan 24, 2008
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2008 Federal Grant Money
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HD Test Panel
Would you like to Test and Keep a Hi Definition TV?
Thu Jan 24, 2008

Peeps

I LOVE Peeps, there is nothing better for a sugar rush than a package of peeps and look now you can have them delivered right to your door and they are on sale. I did not see the peppermint stars out for Christmas. Can you imagine a case of PEEPS delivered to your house, my day is complete, heck my life is complete. I know most people in my life scrunch up their noses when I mention PEEPS, but come on it is just sugar.

The line at the bottom is true, Peeps, always in season.


Can you tell I am extremelllllllyyyyyy booooooooooooooored at work today, not that I dont have anything to do I just dont want to work.



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OO EE OO AW AW Bing Bang WallaWalla Bing Bang

Ok if you are an Alvin fan you will know that is from the Witch Doctor song. I remember that song when I was a kid and we lived in LA, that is afterall an LA song. I saw Alvin twice, I remember watching them when I was a kid, how great was the movie and Jason Lee did an excellent job playing DAVE.

I also Enchanted, I had enough sugar to last me a lifetime in that movie. What is the Pepto Bismal commercial, nausea, upset stomach, please dont ever make me watch that movie again. It was not my choice to see. I like Amy Adams and Mr McDreamy but I am still troughing over all the sickness of that movie, not even Mary Poppins was that nauseating.

Movies on my list to see are : Bucket List, Mad Money and the new Diane Lane movie. I will give you my review when I see them.

Alvin 5 Stars
Enchanted -100 Stars

I have AAADD

I have a friend whose mind runs with some intelligent ideas and some that are really off the wall. He just sent me this and told me to put it on my blog, sooooo how many days have you had AAADD, I can't remember how many I have had but I think more and more on a daily basis I have this disease. While I have seen different versions of this it does sum up AAADD:

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:I decide to water my garden.As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.At the end of the day:the car isn't washedthe bills aren't paidthere is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counterthe flowers don't have enough water,there is still only 1 check in my check book,I can't find the remote,I can't find my glasses,and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail

Cats

If you have not read the Yarn Harlot's blog for January 19th you need to. She did a monologue from her cat's perspective while she was trying to take a bath. It is hilarious. I was just getting to sleep last night and I heard this awful noise, what the ? I got up and there in the sitting room off my bedroom is Bucky my youngest, sitting on the treadmill looking all innocent. She can open the closet doors, they swing out and she can get her paw under the door and pop them open. She had somehow knocked over a box about 3 feet high so she could play in it. How did she know the box was in the closet, she was downstairs when I put it in there, i put the box away and closed the closet. I was not even back comfy under the covers and I hear a pop, crash, there was the box again, not getting up, she can play with the box. Cats, I love them dearly but they need to sleep at night like we do.

If I had a tank

Yesterday I had to make 3 trips to Joanns and not fun trips, I am making a cover for my attic fan. First of all magnets do NOT stick to aluminum, why did they make it of aluminum. I had cardboard taped but that was ugly, so my crafty genes took over. Found some hot water tank cover that was perfect, cut it. Hey velcro may do the trick, ok go back to joanns get velcro. The lady who was cutting fabric, let's just say check your yardage, the package comes by feet yet they sell it by the yard, who makes this up? I said I need 12 feet and not paying attention she said 3 yards, i was thinking about something else. I get home and yep I got 3 yards, not the 4 I needed, but wait she gave me an extra 10", what. So back again i go i was making mom one too and needed yardage for hers. Only had 2 1/8 yard left ok give it to me, so back home i go and yep it is slicker than snot on a door knob

OK i digressed as to why i needed a tank. Sitting in the drive through in Burger King, these two girls had to be brainless high maintenance twits. If I had a tank they would be road kill flattened better than the biscuits my dad sat on for his sister, I digress again, that is what happens when you are beyond pissed. They fiddle farted around with their order, threw trash out. As I was waiting for my food they are parked at the end of the drive, a tank would have pushed them into the middle of the street for someone else to flatten them. The passenger then proceeded to throw every bit of trash on the street as they drove off.

Dont you just want to punch people like that? they have no business being allowed to live or breathe in my space. Next time I see you two you better hope I dont have a tank or oozie cos you will no longer piss me off then.

13 Lessons of Life

13 Lessons of Life
Jan. 14, 2008
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1. Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

2. You never know who these people may be, your neighbor, your coworker, a long lost friend, or a complete stranger. When you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

3. Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

4. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.

5. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

6. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become.

7. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

8. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

9. Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

10. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.

11. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

12. Most important, if you love someone tell him or her. You never know what tomorrow may have in store.

13. Learn a lesson in life each day that you live. And that is the biggest life lesson there is.

Where has the time gone

I was off for vacation from Dec 13 and returned on Jan 7, I meant to post pictures, work on my ravelry account but as you can see none of that got done at all. I have pictures I need to post and work I need to do and get my ravelry stuff done so I can be more organized. I am going to list all the finished projects on my blog this year just to see how many I actually get done.

I really want to work on my second sock of the yarn i have made fingerless gloves and am almost done with the shawl and have the second sock to work on but in the meantime from Sisterwoman:


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Promise Yourself
Nov. 5, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Promise Yourself:
To be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something special in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to critisize others.
To be too large for worry
To be too noble for anger
To be too strong for fear
And to be too happy to permit the presence of trouble.


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12 Ways to Grow Your Spirit
Nov. 12, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Create a mission statement that starts with "I want to be remembered as someone who _________"
2. Write a letter to someone you love but have never written before
3. Make a list of 10 books you always wanted to read, then start reading #1
4. Start a photo album with your favorite pictures in the whole world
5. Go on a nature walk
6. Make plans to volunteer with a homeless shelter or Meals On Wheels for Thanksgiving
7. Appreciate one thing that you take for granted
8. Give a present to someone you don't really like
9. Mourn the loss of something precious
10. Make someone laugh
11. Let go of the biggest grudge you have
12. Give thanks for something small


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The Worth of a Woman
Nov. 26, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
However, if there is one flaw in women,
It is that they forget their worth.
Don't ever forget your worth.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Believe
Dec. 10, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I believe:

That our backgrounds and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

That no matter how good a friend is, she is going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive her for that.

That because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

That you should always leave loved ones with kind words. It may be the last time you see them.

That money is a lousy way to keep score.

That you either control your anger or it controls you.

That sometimes I have the right to be angry, but I never have the right to be cruel.

That it always isn't enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.

That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world won't stop for you.

That to love others with my whole heart I must first love myself.

That the people you care most about in life are often taken from you too soon.

That life is more precious than money will ever be.

That it really is better to give than to receive.